Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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