every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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