yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i think my cat just said my name.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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