alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
