In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
