who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
