Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
