I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
