just come out here and I will go home with you...
no, he came in my armpit
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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