so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
