i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
