today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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