Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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