I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
