what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize