Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
