Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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