you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm bleeding and have questions
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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