She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
