i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
