Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
