I'm going to jail i love you
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
