On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
