Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I still have a little drunk in my system
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
