Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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