I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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