I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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