it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
