god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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