Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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