I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
