Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
