My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize