You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i believe in u and ur pee
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
