All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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