i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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