Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
