we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
