Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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