Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
