Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
