i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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