I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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