i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I take back everything I said about communal showers
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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