If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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