I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
