three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
