I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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