if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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