my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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