hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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