guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
