if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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