I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
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