Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
