My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
