i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
