Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
