Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
