They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize