im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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