If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
