I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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