he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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