If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
