i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
