It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
